crying in my cake batter

so i've decided getting an email from someone telling you what a horrible person you are, is not the greatest way to start your day. especially when that person is right. trying not to think about it doesnt work, in case you're thinking that might be an option...it only serves to make you think about it more so you can make yourself stop thinking about it. hating them is not an option when you still love them and you are in a position where you are not allowed the luxury of pain, loss, hurt or malice....when any feeling, however genuine, is not understood, accepted, or believed. and pales in comparison to your insideous actions. you have no right to feel or speak, and any response is inappropriate. you have done enough damage for lifetimes. anything you do now will only add to it. and what could make your day better you ask?

how about not being able to get in touch with your best friend...

i am hurt, lost, lonely and grieving. and brought it on myself. thus voiding any right to feel as such.its not fair to others. and not allowed.........
i took what wasnt mine. so i should stop crying when they want it back. i have no right to attach any feelings to it, but i love it so dearly. but i have been told all my feelings are hollow and meaningless. i suppose i should get back to refreezing my heart. i wasnt paying attention and let it thaw........
i talk too much when i get sleepy. i should stop before i start to feel.....

a little april may

you clapped for me
i heard you

a little light fading
left almost twinkling nothing
belief and hope and faith
and something that drains a sparkle
i was dwindling and sinking and tripping
and sometimes i didn't even notice the spinning
the blur was nice, and the way the colors mixed was just distracting enough...
then suddenly
the freefall slowed
and the movie lost it's rythmn
and the lines that i had loved and learned so well no longer came to me
and like a flipbook i stopped and started
until the reel stopped turning and i could
look around
and then your hand.
giving me a steady place to put my own
as i step out of frame and look around and see
what i didn't know was watching me
a pair of eyes that stood calmly, not judging, not remarking,
that kept track of every foot i fell
and with that gentle hand, took note of every frame
and waited.
patiently.
until the hands were sure my light could not be fixed alone
so hands and eyes together with great care to be unnoticed
slowed the frames
and held me from my spinning wandering dim
then watched me stand again

you clapped for me
i heard you
and my light slowly slowly
lit again

i read some peter pan today