Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Fuck the Fantastic Four!!!!

So I went to see Fantastic Four today with my mom, my roommates, and my brother. (the only other real comic book nerd in the group like myself) So I didn't really go in with high hopes, but the last two movies that Marvel did were alright, so, silly me, I thought that maybe it wouldn't be that bad seeing as how all they have to do is follow the comic and add some bitchin special effects........I was sadly mistaken. Not only did this shit hole of a movie fail to follow accurately the character's development as so specifically illustrated IN THE COMIC!!, but the lack of plot was amazing!! I don't think I've seen a movie yet that was more predictable or utterly retarded!
While I will give the makers of this glorified flip-book, some props for the special effects. They did do an awesome jorb. The CGI used to animate The Human Torch was fantastic. He at no point looked at all computer generated. And the make-up for The Thing, was almost beautiful. It was so well made, and pliable, that u could still see every expression Michael Chiklis made, so that his performance was not lost at all. It was extremely realistic. Jessica Alba.......crap. There really is no other word to describe it. She was crap. I cried for the desecration of the Invisible Girl. I mean, the girl does have the most amazing set of boobs I have ever seen, I seriously envy them, and they put them to good use in this film, and if she would shut her mouth for more than two seconds, I would have sex with her in a minute, but darling PLEASE! Figure out NOW that you are all body. And for the sake of us all, stick to pole dancing in Frank Miller comics.
And Mr. Fantastic was only missing a daisy growing out of his head to complete the absolute silliness with which his character was written and portrayed. Saying things such as "Stop right there!! That isn't going to work!!" with a menacing scowl to Dr. Doom, as he blows the shit out of stuff, and who's character background might I add, was completely inaccurate. It's as if when they were pitching the idea for this movie, all they did was have Stan Lee come in and sketch a couple things for Hollywood big wigs, and they nodded and said "Sure whatever. Just make sure its a summer blockbuster."
But I think the crowning moment of poo in this movie, was the end when Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) asks Sue Storm (The invisible Girl) to marry him with this beautifully worded proposal:

"So I found a broken gasket on the ship, and I was thinking, if one of us was to wear it......Will u marry me?"

Yes that's right folks. Nope, no need to clean out your ears, put those q-tips down, he did just propose to her with a broken spaceship gasket for a ring. At that point I could no longer be considerate to my fellow viewers and laughed till I pissed myself.
But it all worked out in the end, because it really didn't matter one way or the other. You see, life is great when you can leave a crappy movie, knowing that you haven't lost anything. The wonderful Air National Guard had sponsored this particular showing of the Fantastic Four, as a recruiting ploy, and my mother, being a MstSgt with the Air Guard, received free passes.
Ahh. Near brushes with danger and escaping's a good thing.


Blogger Tavius said...

u are the best things since, gamma radiation.

9:52 PM  
Blogger Moo_Cow said...

Thanks for the review. I never expected it to be anything worth spending money on. Really the multi super hero comics have always seems really over done to me. Even the whole super villains joining forces to kill or capture the one super hero has also rubbed me the wrong way. It seems like the writers got ran out of ideas and started just mixing shit up to mix shit up. I say end the comic the comic… LEARN from X-Files!!!

Go see Batman is you want warm creamy comic book goodness. It'll leave ya... Well, warm and creamy. :)

6:36 PM  
Blogger SMAshley said...

warm and creamy? did you forget moist? thats discusting!

11:55 AM  
Blogger Tavius said...

mmmm distcusting.

10:17 PM  
Blogger Tavius said...

like a milkshake

10:17 PM  

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