Finger To My Forehead

135lbs and counting...

2007-04-25T01:15:00.000-07:00

I can run a block now. No inhaler thank you very much, and I'm down to a regular weight. Now if I can just lose enough to get my leg above my head again without getting my ass in the way.

The little tub of Lard that couldn't

2006-11-02T17:59:00.000-08:00

I can't climb stairs, I can't run past my next door neighbor's house, I can't pay my rent, I can't put gas in my car, I can't look at myself in the mirror, I can't lift my leg above the ottoman, i still cry when i eat, I miss being full blast anorexic, I miss the discipline, I miss going to class, I miss coming home sore, I miss being 115lbs, I miss not worrying about whether or not buying this can of soup will put my account into overdraft, and if you think im kidding or exaggerating ask one of my friends...oh wait....

Five years without God

2006-02-26T02:23:00.000-08:00

Pray you to me every chance that you can
Pray you to me every chance that you can

Asking forgiveness
begging to save your skin
But left wandering in fear
Will it be death or a routine
wrist slapping

Confusion in fusion with
bone dry love
Battered and shattered you
lay her down gently
Violent fucker
sinful man
finding safe haven is hard for the cad

But warm arms will welcome you back
Given the chance he will
bring you to him

Though I claim to believe
I am hard pressed to be kind

Mindful to the faults of a man
I cross myself over, and over, and
over again

Lord, Lord
Hosanas and haleluias
Lord, Lord
I'm doing the best that I can

You ask me to stay
channel the love
Little black and white conduits
Sisters and brothers and Fathers
pray to dead mothers above
Love me in death and I'll love you in life
and we pray
Wanting to leave but I think I'll be damned
so I stay

You ask me to come
And I'm longing to go
But the bells in the church tower
are tolling for me

You ask me to come
And I'm begging to go
But the bells in the church tower
are tolling you know.

----------------

i should buy more bubbles

2006-02-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

"A slinky a slinky
what a wonderful toy
a slinky a slinky
its fun for a girl and a boy"

Arent slinkies fun? Actually I found my favorite yo-yo the other day but i couldnt think of a yo-yo song. i love my yo-yo. of course now that just makes me think of when my brother used to walk around the house singing,

"Slinky a slinky
its one heck of a toy
A slinky a slinky
is sharp and will castrate a boy"

yea for yo-yos!

Bowling techniques

2006-01-11T20:00:00.000-08:00

little girls that bowl are cute.

Games are metaphors......

2006-01-11T19:14:00.000-08:00

I think bowling is a metaphor for life........

I think that' s what I'm supposed to say since i went bowling today and everyone always has some story about how they think that whatever they did that day is a metaphor for life.......maybe because it IS life? Bowling is not a "metaphor for life.... IT IS LIFE!!! That's like saying, "man, running the bases is just like playing baseball." Really?!...... Jack hole?! That's incredible!! How about "I went bowling today and played a shitty game and made three strikes! It felt just like i was happy!" oh brother.

Ya know, feelin happy is kind of a metaphor for............

Sniff Sniff

2006-01-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

lost and left to find a home.
rememberences.
stippling.

FUCK OFF!!! calm down and go eat some ice cream

2005-12-05T22:51:00.000-08:00

If one more thing in life decides to jump out at me, and say "boo!" I'm going to kick it in the balls!! Spit in my face and watch how i stand and stare at you, waiting for your next move. All you can do is kill me. I'm not broke, I'm not homeless, I'm not without food, I'm not dancing but i can deal with that for a day, I'm not as crazy, I'm not in school, and I'm not pregnant. So Goddamnit, its been a good month. :)

yo ho ho and a bucket of pigs blood

2005-11-25T13:23:00.000-08:00

warm red dripping.....art

my name is Tootles

2005-11-25T13:07:00.000-08:00

tired of loving
tired of hating
tired of being patient
but have no energy to pursue the things i want to change

health is draining
too busy to think about caring for myself
i cant think fast enough to care for others
three steps behind
tired of everyone else's silent opinion
nobody talks but its floating everywhere

tired of akward silences
tired of "now what do i do?"
stress is a beast

crawling and hiding in dark corners is comforting
and i dont bring the phone with me
i cant wait by it anymore
i have to leave but have nowhere to go
the silence is colapsing around me and threatening to make me a December Carrie

rantings that make no difference when everything is your own fault

Carbonated spit

2005-09-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

I miss road trips much too much. It's been too long since i just got in my car and drove in a direction, deciding where i want to go once i see the interstate numbers and pick between odds and evens. I miss blasting music that makes me feel like im worth something and driving with my sun roof open, my drivers side and passenger window down creating a cylone of wind that sucks long curls of hair down my throat as i sing along, knowing that this offending onslaut of hair in my face would stop if i would just choose between singing and my windows, but im a stubborn bitch and keep content with pulling my hair from my eyes every two seconds. Flipping to a particularly upbeat song my body starts to twitch as i choreograph in my head; the movements translating into minute versions if i see a move i really like, suddenly making my head tilt to the side as i think of turning. Music choices are also greatly affected by weather and temperature. Dave or Tori for a cool clear morning, if its rainy it must always be Sarah or Sam, and Creedence or Skynard for those backroad days when i need to let loose the redneck within, screamin lyrics and hangin out my window. If only i drank beer.

heart of my heart

2005-09-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

my beautiful bean o' coffee........i heart thee

dog tags

2005-09-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

LDLDLDLDLDLDLDLDLDLDLDLDLDLDLDSMASHLEYLDLDLDLDLDLDSALLYLDLDLDLDLD
LDLDLDLDLDLDDKLDLDLDLDLDLDLDLDLOVELDLDLDLDLDLDLDLD

Myspace is retarded!!!!!!!!

2005-08-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

........just thought i'd state the obvious.

happiness = coolness

2005-08-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

Hello boys and girls.
happiness is cool, stay in school.
crack is whack. so don't take it in the back....

new roommate + no moving + no looking for a place to live + no stressing = happiness/coolness

paying rent + not being destitute + being able to buy food + eating = happiness/coolness

deciding my job is cool, and that I should enjoy it + not getting uptight about working too much + remembering I'm getting more hours + remembering more hours equals money = happiness/coolness

getting myself in the mindset to kick ass at school this semester + remembering learning is cool = happiness/coolness

telling that part of my head that tells me what I can and cant do, and yells mean and derogatory things at me to fuck off and shove it up its ass + deciding to stop being a depressed "Debbie Downer" making everyone else feel like shit around me + realizing I need to make myself happy + realizing that my life is only as bad as I make it = MONDO HAPPINESS/COOLNESS!!!!!

aaahhhhh

2005-08-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

im so tired of it. im happy damnit!!!!!!!fuck it im happy.

THE FUNNIEST FUCKIN THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-22T00:40:00.000-07:00

ON MY GOD!!!!!!! I seriously just pissed myself!!! Oh Jesus Christ This is the miost ridiculous piece of shit in the world!!! How in the hell does this man have so much money???!!!!!

http://tinyurl.com/buoqn

Jumping up and down with happiness!!!!!

2005-07-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

This makes me want to dance like a crazy person.....
I grew up listening to Motown and good 60s and 70s music, because I was not allowed to listen to anything else, and for a long time didnt actually realize that people made music in the present day. And the fact that someone has remixed all this good shit, someone with a fantastic understanding of Motown, makes me want to jump up and dance............back up singer style.
http://www.thebeatsurrender.co.uk/daily/downloads/i-want-you-back-motown-remixed/

This is a track from Motwon Remix...I want you back-Jackson 5
All the vocals are the original, but its as if God breathed on it.

I could not be happier right now.

Soul Eclipse

2005-07-15T01:13:00.000-07:00

Always inside
I act just like you
So you'll like what you see
And you won't see through my eyes

I throw myself up
Hate and take aim
Shards of desire fall with the rain

Blonde vacuum with a hidden mouth
That smokes inside like a cigarette
I'm sending languages
Secret messages
But I haven't found you yet

You say, "What's in your fist?
What's in your head?
What's in your eyes?
What's in your bed?"
I don't know
But don't give up

There's a fist in my head
Dreams in my fist
Eyes in my sex
Sex in my mouth
You don't know
But don't give up

I'm interesting
You think I'm interesting
Like the Apocalypse
I'm trying to connect with you
But I'm dark in a soul eclipse

I can't get this sleep out of my eyes
I wear colors to bed
And dream I'm writing the skies with joy

(sam)

Fuck the Fantastic Four!!!!

2005-07-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

So I went to see Fantastic Four today with my mom, my roommates, and my brother. (the only other real comic book nerd in the group like myself) So I didn't really go in with high hopes, but the last two movies that Marvel did were alright, so, silly me, I thought that maybe it wouldn't be that bad seeing as how all they have to do is follow the comic and add some bitchin special effects........I was sadly mistaken. Not only did this shit hole of a movie fail to follow accurately the character's development as so specifically illustrated IN THE COMIC!!, but the lack of plot was amazing!! I don't think I've seen a movie yet that was more predictable or utterly retarded!
While I will give the makers of this glorified flip-book, some props for the special effects. They did do an awesome jorb. The CGI used to animate The Human Torch was fantastic. He at no point looked at all computer generated. And the make-up for The Thing, was almost beautiful. It was so well made, and pliable, that u could still see every expression Michael Chiklis made, so that his performance was not lost at all. It was extremely realistic. Jessica Alba.......crap. There really is no other word to describe it. She was crap. I cried for the desecration of the Invisible Girl. I mean, the girl does have the most amazing set of boobs I have ever seen, I seriously envy them, and they put them to good use in this film, and if she would shut her mouth for more than two seconds, I would have sex with her in a minute, but darling PLEASE! Figure out NOW that you are all body. And for the sake of us all, stick to pole dancing in Frank Miller comics.
And Mr. Fantastic was only missing a daisy growing out of his head to complete the absolute silliness with which his character was written and portrayed. Saying things such as "Stop right there!! That isn't going to work!!" with a menacing scowl to Dr. Doom, as he blows the shit out of stuff, and who's character background might I add, was completely inaccurate. It's as if when they were pitching the idea for this movie, all they did was have Stan Lee come in and sketch a couple things for Hollywood big wigs, and they nodded and said "Sure whatever. Just make sure its a summer blockbuster."
But I think the crowning moment of poo in this movie, was the end when Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) asks Sue Storm (The invisible Girl) to marry him with this beautifully worded proposal:

"So I found a broken gasket on the ship, and I was thinking, if one of us was to wear it......Will u marry me?"

Yes that's right folks. Nope, no need to clean out your ears, put those q-tips down, he did just propose to her with a broken spaceship gasket for a ring. At that point I could no longer be considerate to my fellow viewers and laughed till I pissed myself.
But it all worked out in the end, because it really didn't matter one way or the other. You see, life is great when you can leave a crappy movie, knowing that you haven't lost anything. The wonderful Air National Guard had sponsored this particular showing of the Fantastic Four, as a recruiting ploy, and my mother, being a MstSgt with the Air Guard, received free passes.
Ahh. Near brushes with danger and escaping unscathed.....it's a good thing.

ggrrrrrr.......pms

2005-07-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

Cap'n Crunch is the best cereal ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when the pawn...

2005-07-08T05:24:00.000-07:00

When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He'll Win The Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters The Ring There's No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right.

read my mind......

2005-07-08T02:14:00.000-07:00

hiding in mirrors, invisable stage
my life went on without me till pain
brought the house down
now that it's broken, lets open the world
outside are corners falling into life awake

everytime you look at me, you're in diguise
too many endings
and the pain has drawn a stranger in your eyes

now that it's broken, let's open the world
the sky inside is bigger for our hearts to hold
upside down and beyond repair the light is
coming through

you caught me wanting, and the shame in my eyes
was so inductive that it magnitized us pulling down my need

he put something in my drink that made me want to say yes
fishnets and tassels
and my dance was the only way i could confess

mmm...sam

2005-07-08T01:58:00.000-07:00

going down this broken road
i found a new world
there is no end to the good
love is everywhere i go
looking through you

burning light inside my dreams
i wake up in the dark
the light is outside my door

love is everywhere i go
looking through you

chasing every fragment i see
looking through you
love is looking for me
breaking open the past
im not stranded in time

love is everywhere i go
looking through you
(sam)

uuhhnn...grrrrrrr

2005-07-06T20:58:00.000-07:00

Why can't i kill me? If you kill me i'll die, no questions asked.
I can't trust it, I can't trust it.
Frankenfurter doesn't know what he's talking about. I don't find a mind fuck in any way pleasing.
Stories criss-cross in my head and few match and none lock. The headache puts back the frown that was an everpresent only months ago.
Fuck it.
I've decided happiness is a myth. You find it only if you're a talented liar.
I don't care. Don't talk to me, I don't care.
And my mother slept with a married man.
Dancing alone in empty coffee houses. Still nobody watches.
Hmmm Having a Bjork moment. ( I wonder what my body would sound like....)
God I'm sick of noise. It never stops in my head. My music outlet is an untouchable; blocked by a maple leaf.
Fuck the British.
To scream as long and loud and hard as i need to, my chest would have to cave in.
And my voice would need to sound like Jimmy Gnecco.
Goddamnit i can't sing.

.....and the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting over riverfront park...

2005-07-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

Sitting at a seedy grocery store parking lot in the "hood" (im still not black enough to say that word) of east nashville tonite, watching the spectacular July fourth firework show over riverfront park, i found myself thinking not of how great a moment this must have been for our forefathers, but rather how funny it would be if at this moment, England decided to launch an air raid attack on the U.S. to reclaim their colonies. "The British are coming!! The British are coming!!"

ho hum.....

2005-07-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

so i cant decide whether listening to Jeff Buckley is a good idea or a bad idea, when you're mopey....

well go figure............

2005-07-04T22:23:00.000-07:00

You scored as Utilitarianism. Your life is guided by the principles of Utilitarianism: You seek the greatest good for the greatest number.

?The said truth is that it is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong.?

--Jeremy Bentham

?Whenever the general disposition of the people is such, that each individual regards those only of his interests which are selfish, and does not dwell on, or concern himself for, his share of the general interest, in such a state of things, good government is impossible.?

--John Stuart Mill

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

Utilitarianism

75%

Existentialism

60%

Justice (Fairness)

60%

Hedonism

60%

Apathy

55%

Strong Egoism

40%

Kantianism

25%

Nihilism

20%

Divine Command

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

hmmm......

2005-07-03T23:26:00.000-07:00

"All These Things That I've Done"

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier...
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

been feeling like this alot lately.......

i listen to music cosmically

2005-07-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

She's Got My Number
She's got my number she always did
She can always see where my secret's hid
Everything about me is hers to tell
She's got my number she always will
She's got my number I must confess
One look in her eyes and I feel undressed
She can see right through all my little games
She's got my number she has my name

Late night driving with the telephone
In the car and I'm always
Waiting, waiting for the girl to call
I'll be lost on a lonely late night

She's got my number I must confess
One look in her eyes and I feel undressed
All of the world's standing at her door
She don't even care what they're waiting for
And every mistake that I ever made
Every little sin is on her display
And through it all I find that I want her still
She's got my number she always will

Late night driving with the telephone
In the car and I'm always
Waiting, waiting for the girl to call
I'll be lost on a lonelyLate night highway with the telephone
In the car and I'm always
Waiting, waiting for the girl to call
I'll be lost on a lonelyLate night

She's got my number she always did
She can always see where my secret's hid
Everything about me is hers to tell
She's got my number she always will
(semisonic)

mmm...listening to music, and syncronized souls humming
and floors...always floors.....the only true way to listen to music

2005-07-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

In one slipped breath, my parents are now completely different people.
And I am more like my mother than I knew..

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

2005-07-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

What do you say when nobody wants to hear?
What do you say when you're trying to be polite?
What do you say when you're trying not to take away from another's grief?
What do you say when you're trying to be considerate too late?
What do you say to the one who wants to hear?
I can't believe you want to listen.
You ask me for my thoughts.
You ask me for my heart.
You ask me to keep my distance, but as closely as I can.
You ask me to trust you, but not with everything.
You give me excuses.
You take the easy way.
You take the most familiar.
You take problems down already beaten paths.
You're trying the hard way...
You fit me so well.
You scare me with your lack of concern.
You scare me with the intensity of your concern.
I can't trust without proof.
And I can't speak without making noise, and every head turning in my direction expectantly, because I better have something good to say.

crying in my cake batter

2005-06-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

so i've decided getting an email from someone telling you what a horrible person you are, is not the greatest way to start your day. especially when that person is right. trying not to think about it doesnt work, in case you're thinking that might be an option...it only serves to make you think about it more so you can make yourself stop thinking about it. hating them is not an option when you still love them and you are in a position where you are not allowed the luxury of pain, loss, hurt or malice....when any feeling, however genuine, is not understood, accepted, or believed. and pales in comparison to your insideous actions. you have no right to feel or speak, and any response is inappropriate. you have done enough damage for lifetimes. anything you do now will only add to it. and what could make your day better you ask?

how about not being able to get in touch with your best friend...

i am hurt, lost, lonely and grieving. and brought it on myself. thus voiding any right to feel as such.its not fair to others. and not allowed.........
i took what wasnt mine. so i should stop crying when they want it back. i have no right to attach any feelings to it, but i love it so dearly. but i have been told all my feelings are hollow and meaningless. i suppose i should get back to refreezing my heart. i wasnt paying attention and let it thaw........
i talk too much when i get sleepy. i should stop before i start to feel.....

a little april may

2005-06-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

you clapped for me
i heard you

a little light fading
left almost twinkling nothing
belief and hope and faith
and something that drains a sparkle
i was dwindling and sinking and tripping
and sometimes i didn't even notice the spinning
the blur was nice, and the way the colors mixed was just distracting enough...
then suddenly
the freefall slowed
and the movie lost it's rythmn
and the lines that i had loved and learned so well no longer came to me
and like a flipbook i stopped and started
until the reel stopped turning and i could
look around
and then your hand.
giving me a steady place to put my own
as i step out of frame and look around and see
what i didn't know was watching me
a pair of eyes that stood calmly, not judging, not remarking,
that kept track of every foot i fell
and with that gentle hand, took note of every frame
and waited.
patiently.
until the hands were sure my light could not be fixed alone
so hands and eyes together with great care to be unnoticed
slowed the frames
and held me from my spinning wandering dim
then watched me stand again

you clapped for me
i heard you
and my light slowly slowly
lit again

i read some peter pan today